I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
