I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
