dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
we're chasing vodka with high fives
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
