it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
