I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
