What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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