my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
