Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
