Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
