What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize