ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Say something about gay babies.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
