The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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