Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
