I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
