I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
