we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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