I think I am morally bankrupt
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
