babies were throwing up all over the place
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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