You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
