The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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