worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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