it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
