Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Randomize
