I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
