I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
