If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
