my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
