So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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