Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
