I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
