So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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