I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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