I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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