And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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