guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
