he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Randomize
