one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
