I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
this will be a night to untag.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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