hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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