forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
