Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
