The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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