i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
