so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize