Just took my morning after pill in the library
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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