Porn is love you can see.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
