i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
this hospital has no fireball
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
