Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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