i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Randomize
