somebody snuck up and got me drunk
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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