If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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