Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
She's the barista slut.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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