Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
