I need help removing her.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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