Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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