You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
