I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
