Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
