I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize