I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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