quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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