why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Last time i carry you out of a forest
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
