party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
