I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Randomize
